i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
