We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
