I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
My vagina is officially offended.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
