Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
it glows. i had to have it.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
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