id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
