Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Randomize
