I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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