I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
It's shark week go big or go home
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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