why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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