He is such a slut. More and more my type.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
