i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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