My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
there's paper in my vomit.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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