I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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