you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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