i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
