Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
