I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
