She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
