Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
We just shotgunned beers for America
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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