a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
