i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
