It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Randomize
