Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Randomize
