Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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