Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
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