i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
