dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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