I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
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