It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
The air taste purple.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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