how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
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