My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
