Porn is love you can see.
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
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