my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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