whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
