I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
