I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
