First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
