The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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