I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
