Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
home. puking in laundry basket.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
My boob is missing a layer of skin
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
