I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
