The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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