I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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