So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize