So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
