life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Tornado booty call.. dedication
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
