so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
