Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
