Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Randomize
