I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize
