If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
