I met the friendliest cop last night
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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