Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
