Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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