I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
