shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Randomize
