I look better un-naked...
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
