in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
im holly from the hills drunk
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
