the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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