Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
