Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Well I just put wine in my tea
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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