my room smells like sperm. sweet.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize