I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I'm passing your future prison.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
