im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
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