meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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