I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
