when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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