two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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