saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
